There has been much comment in the press lately about so-called ‘alien species‘, invasive plants and animals from overseas that cause havoc with Britain’s native ecosystems.

Whilst the dangers of the ‘Killer Shrimp’ and American Signal Crayfish are very real, British Freedom scientists believe that other non-native species constitute an even greater threat to Britain’s indigenous populations.

Here’s their top ten.

1. Self-detonating Mahmoud

Though suicidal explosivity has been observed in insects such as the carpenter ant, the Mahmoud is thought to be unique amongst higher organisms in exhibiting this behaviour. Mahmouds have been known to erupt at the smallest provocation, destroying everything around them.

Effective counter-measures include the breaking up of colonies where the creatures breed and learn their lethal behaviours, and releasing them back into the eastern deserts whence they came.

2. Asian Grooming Jackal

A vicious sexual carnivore, the Asian Grooming Jackal is most commonly found in small groups of males, stalking and attacking young prey in towns and cities across the north of England.

This predator is so dangerous that only extreme measures such as castration or lifelong caging are effective.

3. Romanian Cuckoo

The Romanian Cuckoo waits until its victims have temporarily left their nest before moving itself and its extended family in. Victims return to find the intruders sprawled all over the soiled nest, refusing to leave and gorging on available food stores.

Release back into the Romanian habitat is the only known way of controlling this pest.

4. ‘Allah’s Bat’

A middle-eastern species known for the female’s distinctive black camouflage, which covers the whole body except for the eyes. Unlike the loud, strutting male, the female is often timid and unresponsive, perhaps incapable of vocalisation.

Favoured habitats of Allah’s Bat include areas of east London and cities in the north-west of England.

5. Tulse Hill Lizard

Not strictly an invader, rather a domestic mutant, the Tulse Hill Lizard, or ‘Red Ken’, is nonetheless one of the most hostile to indigenous populations.

When it first infested London’s County Hall in the 1980s the loathsome reptile caused considerable damage to the capital. However, it is probably most dangerous as an ‘enabler species’, encouraging and facilitating colonisation by overseas invaders.

The Tulse Hill Lizard is noted for its slimy, pink appearance, and for the droning, nasal whine it emits when approached.

6. Marx’s Parrot

Originating from Eastern Europe in the early 20th century, Marx’s Parrot is an excellent mimic, but unlike other parrots is limited to a small number of nonsensical stock phrases, such as: “diversity is strength”, “the English are all racist” and “smash the Islamophobic EDL.”

With a brain the size of a marrowfat pea, Marx’s parrot has no real understanding of its own vocalisations, simply squawking what it has been trained to squawk, in expectation of reward from its masters.

7. The Innit

With its own incomprehensible modes of communication and display, the Innit (named after its repetitive call) occupies postcode-sized territories in major cities across the UK.

Black, brown or (increasingly) white, this urban sub-species is notoriously difficult to domesticate, prone to Magpie-like stealing and hoarding, and aggressive in its responses to outsiders.

8. Romanian Begging Mantis

Another from the land of blood-sucking counts, this creature has a characteristic begging posture and doleful expression. Relatively harmless, the Mantis is best ignored.

9. Westminster Hog

Another domestic mutant, this voracious creature is most likely to be seen with its snout deep in troughs around the palace of Westminster. One of nature’s freeloaders, the hog is costly to maintain and of no practical use.

10. Euroraptor

Probably the most dangerous of all alien species, the Euroraptor is big and powerful, and doesn’t stop until it has stripped the meat off its victim, rendering it defenceless against other predators. Distributed across western Europe, this carnivore has recently extended its range east.

Only a determined policy of quarantine, preventing further incursion into Britain, is likely to be effective against this insatiable beast.